- It takes three weeks to prepare a good ad-lib speech.
- —Mark Twain
- I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
- —Mark Twain
- I'm opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
- —Mark Twain
- A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
- —Mark Twain
- I do not like work even when someone else does it.
- —Mark Twain
- Thrusting my nose firmly between his teeth, I threw him to the ground on top of me.
- —Mark Twain
- Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
- —Mark Twain
- If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- —Mark Twain
- I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.
- —Mark Twain
- I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.
- —Mark Twain
- Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.
- —Mark Twain
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